I’ve had a lot of people tell me in the past month that I look like I’ve lost some weight.
I keep disagreeing with them, telling them that if anything, I’ve gained weight.
However, I hadn’t checked my weight in months, so I stopped by the local Publix the other day to see whether I had gained or lost.
The first thing I should note is that there seems to be no other grocery stores in the area that actually has a scale for public usage.
The second thing is that public scales like this aren’t any good for people my size: The gauge goes only to 300 pounds.
So, I step on the scale, and the needle begins to spin uncontrollably, opening up a vortex that threatened to suck me through to Guardia Forest. When I reach out for the vortex, it disappears, and instead shows the needle pointing to three pounds.
I’ve lost weight. I actually have lost two pounds.
This means I weigh either 318 or 323 pounds.
Interestingly enough, there were a couple of guys standing over my shoulder, filling out the job application for that store, and they saw that needle flying around the face of the scale, and they asked each other, “How much did that say?”
I turned, and told ‘em, “Three hundred eighteen pounds,” with a smile. 
Commentary