The Seven Rules of Drive-Thru

I have had it with idiots in front of me in drive-thru restaurants. Between yammering on cellular phones, taking forever to order THREE THINGS, and general asshattery… I figured I should lay down the hard seven. No particular order, of course.

Since no-one gets it when I’m nice about it… Let me be rather abrupt.

1. Get the fuck off your cellphone.
   • Nothing irks me more than to have to wait for you to decide to pay attention to the poor clerk who isn’t able to just leap across the counter and throttle you. I wish I had a bigger vehicle, so I can run you the hell over.
2. Know the damn menu.
   • That means, don’t go through drive-thru if you have never been to the restaurant. The three cars behind you, blowing their horns at you while you order a Big Mac, sitting in the fucking Hardee’s Drive-Thru will seriously appreciate that gesture. So, park your car, walk inside.
   • Likewise, that means, DO NOT argue with the drive-thru cashier when it’s 10:40 am, and you keep trying to order breakfast food. They have OBVIOUSLY switched to Lunch by now, according to the sign RIGHT NEXT TO THE SPEAKER. Learn to read, idiot.
3. Know the payment options.
   • Not all fast food places take credit cards, and especially not via drive-thru. Look for the sign — you can’t miss the damn Visa / MasterCard logos.
4. This is Drive-Thru, not Gentoo.
   • That means, If you know you’re ordering a lot of stuff, and it’s all custom orders, ie: 3 soft tacos with chicken, only lettuce and the blood of an angry fetus, plus 5 crunchy tacos with bat guano… Go inside. Hell, call ahead, and ask if you can place your order via the phone or fax it over, since it’s full of custom items. A lot of places appreciate knowing ahead of time that someone’s coming in for a messed up order. Not having to rush to put it together is always nice. So, please, no more –funroll-loops in drive-thru.
5. DO NOT let the kids individually place their orders in Drive-Thru. Enough said.
6. Don’t order food when you’re drunk. Enough said.
7. Got a problem!? Take it inside!!
   • If they messed up your order, don’t try to resolve it in drive-thru, unless it’s something quick (I asked for Dr. Pepper, but got Coca-Cola). If ANY item has to go back TO THE GRILL to be remade, for fuck’s sake, find a parking space, and go inside. Let Drive-Thru continue to work, and simply notify someone in the restaurant.